Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
