I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
