I think my fart just growled at me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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