I am in a vortex of obligation.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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