we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize