he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
