My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
