Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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