I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
from now on my penis is your penis
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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