i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
