I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize