So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
