A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
