I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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