i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize