just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
