guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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