Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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