Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
