he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
