I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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