So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
this will be a night to untag.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
