i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
