did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
