fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
