It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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