saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
