My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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