My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
