I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My feet surprised me
Randomize
