trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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