wat bout pragnant strippers??
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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