last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
