Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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