i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
