some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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