a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is Oprah even human
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
