Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
babies were throwing up all over the place
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
