Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
