so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How does one acquire holy water?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
