Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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