i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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