u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
