Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
