im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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