1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize