why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize