It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
