Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
