I bet he comes in French.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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