I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
