Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize