you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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