I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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