im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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