apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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