Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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