just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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