everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
