after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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