i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
