He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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