Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Randomize
