you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
