I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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