I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
