I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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